Head: Fucked.

I’ve figured out what I’m good at in life. Bad decisions. Bad decisions and sex. I think those are my two talents. Perhaps writing too?

I made a whopper of a bad decision yesterday. After blowing The Director out like a good girl on Tuesday, Wednesday didn’t carry with it quite as much common sense. I agreed to meet him at 2pm for a ‘business meeting’. 2pm turned into 4pm. A business meeting turned into three bottles of wine. Final result… We finished half the work we said we were going to and spent most of the night fucking. And some of the morning too.

Vagina – 1, Common Sense – 0.

Smooth. Nice job girl. You knew it was a bad idea yet you went ahead and did it anyway.  At least you were committed to the cause. The whole hog too. You didn’t just sleep with him, you drunk three bottles of wine with him and let your inner slut out. Congratulations. Well done on all that will power…

Ugh! Why?! Why did I do that? I can tell you why I did that. It’s because he’s also really good at bad decisions and sex. And writing surprisingly…

I don’t remember much. Almost three bottles of wine will do that to your head. When I first awoke at 4am, I couldn’t remember anything at all. I wasn’t even sure we’d slept together. And then I peeked down under the duvet and realized that not only was I naked, but he was too. And I had that feeling… Down there. Yep, definitely some action.

I popped to the loo and tried to compose myself. In the cold light of day, the realisation of what I’d gone and done hit me like a slap in the face. I drank some water in a sensible bid to try and stop the overwhelming hangover that would inevitably come when I sobered up good and proper and slid back into bed beside him. All I wanted was to throw my arms around him and snuggle right up into him. I thought about it. But I didn’t. I turned my back, rolled to the very edge of the bed and drifted back off to sleep instead.

At 8am, he didn’t care quite as much as I’d done four hours earlier and he threw his arms around me, pulling me in, snuggling me close. At times like this, we feel so natural together. It feels good. He gives me good vibes. That’s what keeps me coming back for more – the way it feels when I’m tangled up with him, naked or otherwise, sexually or not. It feels good. He makes me feel good. It’s when he drops me off back home and we have those communication problems that things go down the drain, coupled with the fact that he has somewhat desirable social skills sometimes.

I’ve slowly started piecing together the shattered memories of last night and the stuff I remember was good. Scrap that, great. We laughed, we talked about what had happened between us, we said our apologies, we laughed some more. It was nice, easy, breezy. We were kissing and then he was peeling down my tiny pants. I forgot how much he liked tiny pants. Total coincidence that I was wearing them. It was laundry day and all I had left were granny panties or sexy panties. I’m not really a granny pant-girl.

But it felt amazing. All of it. Every little snippet I remember makes me smile for a moment before I realise what a stupid idea it was and then my heart sinks again. But it really was great. So great, I can’t help but blush and smile a little as I think about it. This guy has got everything I want and I think that’s what makes this all so difficult. I’m clearly very sexually attracted to him. My pants drop at the mere thought of him. He’s funny, he keeps me on my toes, he does things to me between the sheets… It’s just a shame he’s an asshole. But he keeps saying things like, “I know I was a dick before but I’m here now and I’m listening,” and I can’t work out in what context he means it. Is it about the business stuff? Or is it about us? And I’m afraid to actually ask him in case I make a tit out of myself. I’m quite an emotional girlie these days. I reckon I could actually cry if he were to say no to my face. That would be beyond awks.

But if he were to ask me to try again, what would I say? I know everyone would tell me to say no because everyone’s heard all the bad shit about him. But what about the good shit? What about the fact he comes to pick me up every time? I often decline and get the train instead because I’m an independent woman and all that bullshit but he offers. And he makes sure I’m catered for. He pays for stuff. He bought coffee just for me and he always makes sure I’ve got juice. He’s relatively gentlemanly when he wants to be. He has a certain type of charm except I think I’m probably the only woman who gets it. I just can’t read him very well. I overreact and he under-reacts or whatever. If we were to actually play it honestly and truthfully a second time instead of being dicks and pretending to be cooler than the other person, would it have the potential to work?

Probably not. I sigh as I write this because I’m turning into a crazy girl again. I’m just really into him. I’m crushing hard. He just makes ridiculous decisions. He does and says stupid things. But when we were talking last night, it was clear that I’d overreacted about some stuff too.

The guy he was hiring to do the job I was already doing, for example. He never actually hired the guy. He never actually told me he’d hired the guy either, or that he was going to. I read back through the messages and he was right. He just mentioned it to me one night. Like a, “Hey, this happened today” situation. It was dumb as fuck of him to bring it up the way he did but like he said, why would he not bring that up? If something like that were to happen in my life, I’d have told him.

I did play it very cool with him too. He never knew what I was feeling or thinking. I never told him either. He did try from time to time to talk to me or see what I was doing but I was just as busy as I accused him of being and again, when I looked back through the messages between us, I could see he had a valid point.

I never answered the phone to him. I never answer the phone to anyone but that’s not the point. I NEVER answered the phone to him. I barely managed to respond to his messages. I expected him to be available for me at a moment’s notice when I decided I had the evening free. That’s what kept happening. I’m not surprised he got pissed off. I’d be pissed off if someone did that to me… Which he did because that’s what I’d been doing.

I didn’t have a single rebuttal. I said something, he said something, I had nothing. He had a point every goddamn time and I know you all want to tell me he’s manipulating me but he had a valid fucking point every time. I’m not joking you. He was kinda right. I was trying so hard not to be a crazy girl that I was a total crazy girl. I made it look like I wasn’t really interested in him from the start because I was trying to play it cool. What makes it even worse is he kept telling me that. I’m pretty sure I mentioned it a few times here too. He kept telling me I was playing it too cool and he didn’t know what to do or say.

So… 1,300 words later and I’m still no closer to figuring this out. I want to be honest with him. I want to tell him I’ve caught some feelings from somewhere and I can’t do this business thing like this anymore. I don’t mind emails perhaps or casual WhatsApp messages but meeting face to face clearly isn’t going to work because we’ll just end up fucking every time. I kinda want to give him the opportunity to tell me he’s caught some feelings too though. Doesn’t everyone deserve a second chance?

Or is he just an asshole I should throw to the heap?

See this, ladies and gentlemen, is a classic example of why you don’t have sex with the ex.

Head: Fucked.